My fellow Americans, what’s more American than Olympic proportions? Faster, Higher Stronger; that’s the Olympic motto – of course considering the conditions in Beijing it’s now FASTING, WHEEZING, STINKIER. The Olympics start tomorrow; 16 straight days of intense, grueling concentrated effort; blood, sweat and tears – or as the people of China call it, just your average workweek. This year there are no heavy favorites. In fact the only thing locked up in the Beijing Olympics is the delegation from Tibet. And the Chinese guv’mint has decided to let protestors assemble in designated areas – prison. China says they will have the world’s most spectacular fireworks display tomorrow night. That’s a good idea; introduce explosives into a sky already overloaded with sulfur and noxious chemicals. You can actually SEE the air in Beijing. It looks like the inside of Cheech & Chong’s van. So to make things LOOK nice, the Chi-Com’s will release tens of thousands of doves to open the ceremonies. And each bird will have it’s own little bitty gas mask. Disney has been banned from the Olympics. No one in China can sing Zipadee Doo Dah.

Speaking of Zipadee Disney … Disney theme parks have raised their prices ANOTHER 5 bucks. It now costs $75 per ticket to get in. the sign at Space Mountain now says YOU MUST BE IN DEBT THIS MUCH TO RIDE THIS RIDE.

Speaking of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride … John Grampa McCain spoofed Paris Hilton and now Paris Hilton has spoofed him back. "I’m enjoying my 15 minutes of fame again," said John McCain. This is a landmark event. It’s the first time anybody’s been interested in a video featuring Paris Hilton with her clothes on. Li’l Miss Ho’ Hilton’s comic response has put her on back on the Celebrity Map again. Today, Eddy Murphy, Gary Coleman and all the former American Idol contestants called McCain and begged him to put THEM in his next ad.

And in England, 20-year-old Kay Underwood has cataplexy so severely, her doctors are afraid she may DIE if she so much as gets the giggles. Well, there go my chances of me getting naked in front of her.